Seven unshakable truths:
1. No matter how much they’re discounted, oriental rugs always cost about a thousand dollars.
2. All the interesting views will be out the other side of the airplane. Your side will resemble Kansas.
3. This year’s wacky "concerned parent" will be next year’s school board member who’ll think your class is fluff, even if you’re teaching AP physics.
4. Unless you act now, the judges at your district UIL meet will be either blood relatives, generally children or parents of the contest director, or truck drivers, or both. The students of the contest sponsor will sweep first, second and third places in ready writing, all four journalism contests, and each of the speech and debate contests. The host school will win the one-act play, even if it’s scenes from "Smokey and the Bandit II." The winners will come from schools that have neither a journalism, speech nor drama department -- nor even a coherent language arts curriculum past freshman English.
Consequently, someone will call me late Saturday or early Sunday following the district meet. That person will be angry. I’ll be in the middle of a meal or asleep. It’ll go downhill from there.
These are self-evident truths. Trust me.
Having directed the journalism program for 20 years and observed the speech and debate program for at least that long or longer, I think I’ve seen and heard it all. For example, I remember a 5A district meet in which the contest director, a young, clueless teacher, figured she could also direct and judge the four journalism contests.
And I remember when the contest director passed out the current issues and events answer keys with the contest, when the bus driver misread a map and ended up at the wrong school, when the electricity blew in the middle of the computer applications contest.
Stephen King couldn’t imagine some of the horror stories I’ve heard.
And while I think I’ve heard it all, I haven’t. Unshakable truth No. 5: This spring, something new, so unusual, so utterly impossibly strange could take place that it will leave me gasping in disbelief.
Sure, chances are this won’t happen to you. But it could.
So, plan ahead. Most of the district meet complaints I’ve heard deal with judging. Make sure your district has hired qualified judges for the subjective contests. Coaches can judge math, science and the other fill-in-the-answer key contests. But you’re inviting long-term animosity if your journalism judges don’t know the difference between a headline and a wrinkled brow.
Or if your Lincoln-Douglas judge advances three males because "the Bible says girls really shouldn’t argue with boys."
Unshakable Truth No. 6: coaches never forget and rarely forgive. So, if you’re hosting the district meet, hire the best judges available. If you’re green as an avocado, call around. People will help. And if you’re not hosting the meet, call the host school and offer to assist. To illustrate:
"Hi. I’m just calling to remind you that in a few short weeks, we’re going to be visiting your school for the UIL district contest, and if there’s any little thing I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask because I’ve been coaching UIL academics for 30 years, and there’s not a thing I don’t know.
"And by the way, while I have you on the phone, did you by any chance read through the Spring Meet Manual because if you didn’t, I know you will want to, and if you don’t have one, well I have mine right here and I’m glad to fax it over.
"Of course, I just know you will have everything lined up and ready to go, so really, I’m just calling to tell you how thrilled we are to be coming your way. Tell you what, there’s a Krispy Kreme on the way. I’ll bring some donuts that morning. Okay? Then good, we’ll see you soon, Hon. Bye-bye."
While this tactic is potentially pushy and perhaps unnecessary, it’s worth the risk. You do not want to be calling me, Jana, Randy or Luis late Saturday night after the district meet with a horror story about incompetent judges or contest directors. Because chances are, our responses will be, "Geez, that’s tough but there’s not much we can do about it now."
And that’s unshakable Truth No. 7.
One other thing...
Several years ago, my eighth grade daughter went out for track. An old jock myself, I was proud of her. Problem is, she went out for track on the Monday prior to the first meet that Wednesday, and the coach had her run the 400-meter dash as well as a leg on the 800-meter relay. She was totally unprepared for either, so unprepared that she tripped taking the handoff on the third leg of the relay and splattered herself across the cinder track.
Aside from a few scrapes, she wasn’t injured, but her pride took a pounding and between sobs, she choked out a few words I was not aware she knew, and I got mad. Not at her, but at her coach, and it took an unusual degree of self-control not to confront him and ask why he had sent a child who had barely two workouts under her belt to run a quarter-mile and then a leg on the 800-meter relay.
Five years later, I’m still mildly peeved.
I am reminded of this each spring when I’m judging a set of writing entries for a local district. Clearly, some of these students have no idea what an editorial is or does, or what a headline should contain. I’ve seen students tossed into the current issues and evens contest who couldn’t tell the Texas governor from the King of Spain.
Competition is healthy only if the participants are prepared to compete. Otherwise, it can be degrading and humiliating. Prepare your students. They probably won’t win, may not place, but they deserve to know they’ve done their best and had a fighting chance.