As unlikely as it may seem, questions arise this time of the year regarding the UIL academic district meet, such as “Can we move Easter?”
The answer is, of course, “as long as it doesn’t confl ict with track and field or golf.”
Little joke, there.
In all seriousness, we fi eld many real questions at this special time of the year, most of which concern speech and debate or one-act play. Why is this, you ask? Because the directors of those programs, Jana Riggins and Luis Muńoz, are weak and indecisive. Sad but true. We’re working with them, but don’t expect any holiday miracles.
Be that as it may, I feel it necessary to discuss what you can expect in the weeks and months ahead as a UIL academic coach and/or coordinator. I do so now to provide you ample time to ponder the signifi cance prior to the spring district meets or, as the case may be, to fi nd other work.
• First, expect to be notifi ed in suffi cient time to wolf down your lunch that you’ve been volunteered to direct the district journalism or literary criticism or accounting contests (or, worse case scenario: all three), which begin in 20 minutes on another campus. When this happens, scan the cafeteria or faculty lounge for at least three judges and/or graders.
According to state law, students are not allowed to miss a regularly scheduled class for the purpose of judging a UIL academic contest. So, scratch that. Find an adult.
Good news: you can summon the other coaches to grade the “objective” contests: math, number sense, accounting, all those contests that come with an answer key. Actually, you couldn’t keep them out of the grading room with razor wire. Your typical guy-type math coach would rather grade a number sense or calculator applications contest than share a hot tub with Salma Hayek.
But for the “subjective” contests, you’ll need to hire highly-qualifi ed judges. “Defi ne highly-quali- fi ed,” you ask. Well, in the case of journalism, they should be able to recognize a newspaper if swatted with one. Working or retired newspaper reporters or editors will do. University journalism professors too. Area high school newspaper advisers? Sure. Tom Brokaw? Fine. Dan Rather? No.
Be warned: They should be impartial, objective and utterly unbiased, like Fox News. So choose your judges carefully. The other coaches in your district will want and deserve to know who wrote those nasty comments on their students’ entries. A reminder to visiting coaches: that your student failed to win doesn’t prove that the judges were incompetent. That he or she won doesn’t prove they were competent either.
Just hire the best people available. • And pay them something. Not the graders. Provide them Fritos and orange soda. They’ll be thrilled. But your journalism, ready writing, speech/debate and one-act judges: pay them something. Anything. Prevailing wages, if possible. I suppose you could outsource some of this and save a few bucks, but if the results come back from Bangalore two days past deadline, you’re in big trouble. The UIL is not known for its benevolence.
• Follow the confl ict pattern. I know. I know. You have a student who wants to compete in Lit Crit and Spelling and Persuasive and Science. Too bad. They confl ict. And even if your district gerrymanders its schedule so she could compete in each of these contests, we’d take special delight in forcing her to drop three at region. That’s the kind of people we are (except for Jana and Luis, who tend to be, as I’ve already noted, weak and indecisive).
So, mandate the confl ict pattern, even though at least one student will fi nd major, life-altering problems with whatever schedule your district adopts. I’ve heard all the excuses:
“I’m getting married that day.”
“I’m interviewing for a $80,000 scholarship to Yale.”
“I have to meet with my parole offi cer.”
The list goes on and on. Look and act sympathetic, then go about your business. If you alter the confl ict pattern for one, you’ll have to do it for everyone. And then, you’ll have chaos, and the terrorists will have won.
• Make certain your students are eligible by state law and UIL regulations. Given that almost all eligibility rules for academic competitors have been eliminated over the years (I joined the League in 1977, when it was illegal for ready writing contestants to read books, and accounting students were only eligible two hours per year, and that was based largely on the autumn equinox), this should be pretty easy. Citing an above case, know that being on parole does not threaten eligibility unless:
(1) the student committed the crime three years after graduating from high school;
(2) the student has not been in regular attendance at your school since the fi rst Bush administration.
(3) the student was recruited specifi cally for the purpose of competing in a UIL contest, and the recruiter was dumb enough to put it all in writing;
(4) the student initially enrolled in the ninth grade in 1998; and
(5) the student violated any of the other rules on page 39 of the C&CR or fl unked one or both of his or her courses.
Exception: the UIL has a waiver process that allows some students to get around any and all of these rules and will even get a 10-year involuntary manslaughter conviction knocked down to assault and battery. It involves lawyers, tears and boxes of Kleenex. For details, contact Dr. Mark Cousins at the UIL offi ce. Don’t tell him I told you to call.
• It is a myth that adequate planning will insure a successful meet. As myths go, this one ranks way up there with “I know I shouldn’t pay $50 for these pants because they’re too tight, but they’re hugely discounted and I really like them, and besides, after my diet, they’ll fi t perfectly!” Remember: you are working with teenagers.
Anything goes. The defending state feature writing champ won’t make it out of district the next year. Your best speller will have a “can’t miss” dental appointment, so you’ll yank in some pimply geek you hardly know to fi ll her space, and he’ll win district. But he won’t show up for regional because it interferes with the local premiere of Napoleon Dynamite, which he’s seen 200 times.
And the alternate to region will be the obnoxious Reese Witherspoon look-a-like from your biggest rival, and she’ll win the state title and a $10,000 scholarship from the UIL, and her coach will lord it over you for the next 365 days. Take heart. She’s a junior. She doesn’t have a prayer next year.
• The League has a 10-day deadline for academic contests. The rule states that students’ names must be submitted online at least 10 days prior to the district meet. I know what you’re thinking: “Surely, this doesn’t mean that students names be submitted online at least 10 days prior to the district meet.” It does.
We launched this way cool on-line entry system last year, and even though it nearly killed us, we’re going to use it again, come hell or high water. So, get used to it. Go to the UIL Web site. Click on “Academics,” then “Spring Meet Entry System” then read and follow instructions.
In particular, take special precaution to correctly spell your students’ names. Last name fi rst. First name last. No all caps. No nicknames. You may refer to James as “Booger,” but we’d rather not list him that way in the State Meet program. I’m sure Booger’s parents would agree.
I realize asking teachers to read and follow instructions is akin to asking teenagers to embrace Bing Crosby, but it will make your job and my job so much easier.
• Okay, say you have a student who has a motor skills issue. He needs to write his CI&E essay on a special computer. Is that permitted? Absolutely! Provisions can be made for special needs students — those with hearing, vision and motor skills disabilities.
Again, go to the UIL Web site. Click on “Academics.” Scroll down to “Requests for Special Needs Modifi cations.”
Neither poor penmanship nor the inability to speak English are considered “special needs” situations.
• Okay, it’s the day of the district meet. You’re in charge of the calculator applications contest. At exactly one minute prior to the beginning of the contest (and not one minute before), open the test packet and survey its contents. Everything should be there. If not (fat chance), see your district meet director. He or she has an “emergency” packet that contains one copy of each test, one test key and a sedative.
• If your contest contains an answer key, do not distribute it to students prior to the contest. In the great pantheon of legendary UIL bonehead mistakes, this ranks way up there.
• If your contest calls for a verifi cation period, conduct one and provide students and coaches with suffi cient information that allows them to actually verify something. It’s not enough to scrawl fi rst through sixth on the blackboard. You must include individual and team scores.
I recommend you crunch scores through the on-line spring meet entry system prior to verifi - cation and offi cial results. The system is built to chew the numbers and spit out accurate results. Let it. Don’t go through verifi cation and offi cial results, hand out medals and trophies only to fi nd that you’ve overlooked a school or added 33 + 32 + 31 and got 86, which was good enough for fourth, behind fi rst place 94, second place 92 and third place 89.
• Be a good sport. The Spring Meet Code states that contestants and coaches should not whine like Tonya Harding if they lose or think they’re not going to win. Whether you win or lose, accept the results with dignity and aplomb, at least during the awards assembly. On the way home, you can toss a temper tantrum, but if you make a spectacle of yourself on-site, you may be asked to monitor poll booths in the next presidential election.
• If, after the long bus ride home, you’re still upset that your contestant didn’t win, call or email the UIL offi ce. Direct your concerns to Luis or Jana. Expect a weak and indecisive answer.
• Finally, if you recall that this column is a revision of a 1994 column titled, “Strong and decisive tips carry no guarantees,” then you’ve been at this way, way too long.
Happy holidays.